alternative film reviews

It’s a hot bank holiday Monday in London. Naturally (in my nature, at least), I opted to spend most of my day in bed and coffee shops (not combined, but goodness that’s a grand idea – cafe chain called Breakfast in Bed or B&B where you’re cosied up while eating greasy hangover food) listening to Gambino’s America, and reading lovely comments about my black and gold ink art yesterday – I’m selling it for charity on Etsy, by the way. I also bought three records from Stranger Than Paradise Records in Hackney: David Bowie’s Hunky Dory, Portishead’s Portishead, and Daniel Avery’s Drone Logic. I’ll be eating nothing but baked beans for a few days.

I then headed to Hackney Picturehouse, a member of the franchise, to watch Beast. I used to write film reviews and wanted to … not get back into it as such, because I think the way I did it before was just like everyone else, reviews that seem to cover the same conversation topics like a co-worker who is limited, and I think there’s a lot more that reviews could provide a reader.

That said, I had a think about other ways we could review films, and came up with a couple.

blackout review

This one I’m used to, of course, having frequently adopted the technique for my @blackouthate project and a couple of days ago with Big Issue. Not that this technique necessarily adds anything special, but I can see it being a fun approach to take when struggling for the right words.

what it’ll give to you

When I read music or film or book reviews, it always praises the author or director or musician for their application of this or that technique, whereas I’ve always opted for a preference on theme. What am I learning? What will I see and remember? What might I take away from this that no other will provide, even if it’s an example of what not to do?

& reviews that list three to five things that a person will be given seem more… positive.

I often get told off for slating Dwayne Johnson (lovely dude) for his awful acting in shitty films with big budgets, or Kanye West (self-obsessed c-word) for his stunted lyrical presence – because “not everything has to be so serious, sometimes it can just be fun!” That’s a quote from the fun people in my life. I’m trying to learn from them, to blend in and be more positive. I think I may be more accepted as a human that way, and maybe it’ll feel better than cynicism. Doubt it.

So, I’m approaching them all with these reviews, when i do them, with an expectation of three things I am taking away: three things that made it worth watching, even if it’s a new contender for overall shittyest film. Fortunately, Beast wasn’t

Watch Beast if:

1: you have oppressive parents and want to see how that can turn out. Think: Mummy from Gail Honeyman‘s Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine.

2: you believe morality has – or should have – some loopholes.

3: you want to see the greatest film scream of the 21st century.

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